Are you sick of your skin freezing at night and burning during the day? Tired of staring at everyone's red, raw nipples all the time? Isn't it about time someone invented something that allowed you to cover your filthy body?
Well, someone did, and that person is the Muskets! Merch Shoppe! Not only will our shirts cover your shame from the sight of God, they'll place large, colorful designs on your chest area to warn other humans that you are dangerous, and to be avoided.
If you've got a favorite sketch, chances are we've got a shirt, cap, pin or thong with some line or something plastered all over it. And unlike other shirt stores, by buying Muskets! Merch, you're directly supporting struggling artists, rather than a faceless conglomerate.
Although Cafe Press does get roughly eighty-five percent of the proceeds. And we usually spend the rest on California burritos and Stoli. I'm going to wrap this up while there's still some interest. Rummage through our virtual chiffarobe!
After blasting your comedy receptors with a dose of Muskets! sketches, it can be hard to transition back to normal life. It's recommended that you engage in an activity rated at no less than eight fun units immediately afterwards or risk "the comedy bends." Symptoms of the comedy bends include depression, disorientation, rapid, sudden bone loss (the humerous specifically) and shrieking.
In case you're unfamiliar with the Chapelle Fun Unit rating scale, here are some approved post-Muskets! activities for you to safely enjoy.Skittles Vodka: A how-to guide on making Skittles vodka, the only known way to actually vomit a rainbow.
Zorbing: These people will seal you in a giant plastic ball, and all you have to do is fly to New Zealand!
Watch Peter Gabriel Zorb: Slightly less fun, but also less likely to end in you drowning in your own urine as you scrabble at the inside of a plastic ball.
Todd Schorr's Art: Click around the gallery until you either feel yourself going insane or reaching enlightenment. Proceed to the Skittles vodka.
Order a Top Hat: Because nothing spells "fun" like overdressing for your hearing with the foreclosure people.
Now that you've attained a relatively normal level of funification, you're free to go about your normal business. Please repeat this process whenever you have watched, are planning to watch, or actively choose not to watch a Those Aren't Muskets! sketch.