Those Aren't Muskets!

Those Aren't Muskets! are your port in a storm, your hot cup of tea on a cold winter's day, your daily dose of laughter-induced vomiting. Their dynamic new paradigm first synergized in 2007, when then-Heavyweight Champion of the World Abe "Ape" Epperson laid down his gloves in the ring, refusing to fight opponent Michael Swaim on the grounds that he "didn't want to hurt anyone anymore." The two embraced, the people of Mexico wept, and Those Aren't Muskets! was born. Since then, they've gotten their work featured on the front pages of Cracked, Funny or Die, Veoh, Revver, Youtube, Crackle, Break, Digg, Ebaum's World, College Humor, and, if you search for the term "Those Aren't Muskets," Google and Yahoo as well. Today, they continue to make funny from their mobile command unit in LA, while trying desperately to land jobs in the American Apparel factory.

Michael is head writer for Those Aren't Muskets, and performs in sketches regularly. He's a graduate of the UC San Diego department of theatre, a degree he is maliciously squandering by making stupid internet videos. He also contributes regularly to Cracked (the humor site, not the crack site) as a member of their group blog. He dreams of one day becoming a real boy.

Abe sleeps on the sets of Those Aren't Muskets!'s shoots, attracted by the warmth of the lights. A mysterious and magical animal, he is invisible to everyone except other members of the comedy group. Often, Abe is found on dark London streets howling and searching for his long, lost (also invisible) love. He also found the camera we use.

Matt, producer and sometimes actor, tries to bring a touch of class to Muskets with his bookish wit and vaguely British expressions. Often visible as a wispy shadow at the edge of the frame, he is truly a bard in a scarecrow's body. Matt collaborated with Michael and Abe in early theatrical performances of sketch and improv comedy at UCSD, where he introduced them to the Mangled Larry- a drink containing a liter of gin. Abe has never been the same. Matt is also a zombie.

Brian, also known as "The Talent" or simply "hey, meat!" is a sometimes featured and often shirtless actor for Those Aren't Muskets! A recent graduate of UC San Diego, Brian plans to put his theatre and comparative politics degrees to work in Los Angeles by appearing in Valtrex commercials. He fervently hopes that TAM! will catapult him to the heights of stardom enjoyed only by John Basedow and Michael Dorn. He never jokes about baseball.

Lara attempts acting for Those Aren't Muskets because she has nothing better to do after work. She received her bachelor's degree in Neuroscience from UCSD and went on to do many secret medical things at science buildings all across the globe. Now she's in med school, and although she will one day get married, she has no plans to change her name. Therefore, prepare yourselves for the future ministrations of Dr. Pickle.

Ryan is an actor, stagehand and marketing guru for TAM! He is an ambidextrous Irish-Mexican with a History degree from UCSD. If you enjoy Kibbles and Bits and/or John Steinbeck, feel free to thank Ryan, as his ancestors laid the foundation for both the dog food and characters of Cannery Row. Sadly, the evil and diabolical Brian Cricketts often attempts to smear Ryan’s wholesome name. From 1997-2002, Ryan was a hair model at the Barbazon School of Modeling. His hair was considered the "Citizen Kane" of his generation.

Those Aren't Muskets has had crew assistance and included performances by: Dav Yendler, Heather Pauley, Neil Parker, Nathan Turner, Matt Barrs, Ryan Severance, James Bak, Geoff Lapid, Jon Mikulanis, Sam Hunter, Amy Funder, Kelly Lockwood-Larson, Katie Willert, Baily Hopkins, Giovanni Velasco, Dan Rubiano, Matt Black, Brentan Schellenbach, Brian O'Donovan, Spencer Howard, Dan Shapiro, Sarah Kapp, Ellen Swaim, Matt Yonker, Gregory Moody, Caitlin Kennedy, Margaret Gray, Brittany Candau, Samantha Griffith, David Chien, Andrea del Rio, Cheetah Platt, David Swaim, Jonathan Hicken, Megan Petersdorf, Gary Porter, James Barker, Matt Bovee, Lee Montgomery, Erin Bennett, Ian Dickinson, Dylan Seaton, Katy Stoll, Daniel Gordh, Danny Mastrangelo, Tim Stampher, Dan O'Brien and Nick Walker.

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All the perks of stalking, without the time commitment!

For months, our all-volunteer team of designers have been hard at work whipping child laborers in order to produce garments bearing the Muskets! logo for the official Muskets! Merch Shoppe!

Each shirt is painstakingly hand-sewn by a tiny Korean boy named Tao whose hands are fused into claws from years of fine manual labor. Then they are hand-painted to exacting specifications by Jeff, a big guy who we were going to fire for drinking on the job, but then he showed up with some of his buddies and they seemed pretty raw. Jeff tells us that the designs are excellent.

I'd tell you where the pins and hats come from, but the number of bodily fluids involved might be too much for our younger readers. Suffice to say, there's a little bit of us in each and every item.

Be it a scary Batman, a happy pimp, an 8-bit frog, or the sentence "I have poisoned the tea," our shirts will serve all your comedy and poison informing needs. Please, don't let Tao's work be in vain.

Production shortfalls come out of his daily rice ration, and he's looking sickly as it is. For all our sakes, check out the shop today!

After blasting your comedy receptors with a dose of Muskets! sketches, it can be hard to transition back to normal life. It's recommended that you engage in an activity rated at no less than eight fun units immediately afterwards or risk "the comedy bends." Symptoms of the comedy bends include depression, disorientation, rapid, sudden bone loss (the humerous specifically) and shrieking.

In case you're unfamiliar with the Chapelle Fun Unit rating scale, here are some approved post-Muskets! activities for you to safely enjoy.

Skittles Vodka: A how-to guide on making Skittles vodka, the only known way to actually vomit a rainbow.
Zorbing: These people will seal you in a giant plastic ball, and all you have to do is fly to New Zealand!
Watch Peter Gabriel Zorb: Slightly less fun, but also less likely to end in you drowning in your own urine as you scrabble at the inside of a plastic ball.
Todd Schorr's Art: Click around the gallery until you either feel yourself going insane or reaching enlightenment. Proceed to the Skittles vodka.
Order a Top Hat: Because nothing spells "fun" like overdressing for your hearing with the foreclosure people.

Now that you've attained a relatively normal level of funification, you're free to go about your normal business. Please repeat this process whenever you have watched, are planning to watch, or actively choose not to watch a Those Aren't Muskets! sketch.