Those Aren't Muskets! are your port in a storm, your hot cup of tea on a cold winter's day, your daily dose of laughter-induced vomiting. Their dynamic new paradigm first synergized in 2007, when then-Heavyweight Champion of the World Abe "Ape" Epperson laid down his gloves in the ring, refusing to fight opponent Michael Swaim on the grounds that he "didn't want to hurt anyone anymore." The two embraced, the people of Mexico wept, and Those Aren't Muskets! was born. Since then, they've gotten their work featured on the front pages of Cracked, Funny or Die, Veoh, Revver, Youtube, Crackle, Break, Digg, Ebaum's World, College Humor, and, if you search for the term "Those Aren't Muskets," Google and Yahoo as well. Today, they continue to make funny from their mobile command unit in LA, while trying desperately to land jobs in the American Apparel factory.
Michael is head writer for Those Aren't Muskets, and performs in sketches regularly. He's a graduate of the UC San Diego department of theatre, a degree he is maliciously squandering by making stupid internet videos. He also contributes regularly to Cracked (the humor site, not the crack site) as a member of their group blog. He dreams of one day becoming a real boy.
Abe sleeps on the sets of Those Aren't Muskets!'s shoots, attracted by the warmth of the lights. A mysterious and magical animal, he is invisible to everyone except other members of the comedy group. Often, Abe is found on dark London streets howling and searching for his long, lost (also invisible) love. He also found the camera we use.
Matt, producer and sometimes actor, tries to bring a touch of class to Muskets with his bookish wit and vaguely British expressions. Often visible as a wispy shadow at the edge of the frame, he is truly a bard in a scarecrow's body. Matt collaborated with Michael and Abe in early theatrical performances of sketch and improv comedy at UCSD, where he introduced them to the Mangled Larry- a drink containing a liter of gin. Abe has never been the same. Matt is also a zombie.
Brian, also known as "The Talent" or simply "hey, meat!" is a sometimes featured and often shirtless actor for Those Aren't Muskets! A recent graduate of UC San Diego, Brian plans to put his theatre and comparative politics degrees to work in Los Angeles by appearing in Valtrex commercials. He fervently hopes that TAM! will catapult him to the heights of stardom enjoyed only by John Basedow and Michael Dorn. He never jokes about baseball.
Ryan is an actor, stagehand and marketing guru for TAM! He is an ambidextrous Irish-Mexican with a History degree from UCSD. If you enjoy Kibbles and Bits and/or John Steinbeck, feel free to thank Ryan, as his ancestors laid the foundation for both the dog food and characters of Cannery Row. Sadly, the evil and diabolical Brian Cricketts often attempts to smear Ryan’s wholesome name. From 1997-2002, Ryan was a hair model at the Barbazon School of Modeling. His hair was considered the "Citizen Kane" of his generation.
Those Aren't Muskets has had crew assistance and included performances by: Dav Yendler, Heather Pauley, Neil Parker, Nathan Turner, Matt Barrs, Ryan Severance, James Bak, Geoff Lapid, Jon Mikulanis, Sam Hunter, Amy Funder, Kelly Lockwood-Larson, Katie Willert, Baily Hopkins, Giovanni Velasco, Dan Rubiano, Matt Black, Brentan Schellenbach, Brian O'Donovan, Spencer Howard, Dan Shapiro, Sarah Kapp, Ellen Swaim, Matt Yonker, Gregory Moody, Caitlin Kennedy, Margaret Gray, Brittany Candau, Samantha Griffith, David Chien, Andrea del Rio, Cheetah Platt, David Swaim, Jonathan Hicken, Megan Petersdorf, Gary Porter, James Barker, Matt Bovee, Lee Montgomery, Erin Bennett, Ian Dickinson, Dylan Seaton, Katy Stoll, Daniel Gordh, Danny Mastrangelo, Tim Stampher, Dan O'Brien and Nick Walker.

Are you sick of your skin freezing at night and burning during the day? Tired of staring at everyone's red, raw nipples all the time? Isn't it about time someone invented something that allowed you to cover your filthy body?

Well, someone did, and that person is the Muskets! Merch Shoppe! Not only will our shirts cover your shame from the sight of God, they'll place large, colorful designs on your chest area to warn other humans that you are dangerous, and to be avoided.

If you've got a favorite sketch, chances are we've got a shirt, cap, pin or thong with some line or something plastered all over it. And unlike other shirt stores, by buying Muskets! Merch, you're directly supporting struggling artists, rather than a faceless conglomerate.

Although Cafe Press does get roughly eighty-five percent of the proceeds. And we usually spend the rest on California burritos and Stoli. I'm going to wrap this up while there's still some interest. Rummage through our virtual chiffarobe!


We know how it is: you've watched our videos so much that your eyes are physically rejecting them, and now you need to come down. Well, frankly we don't approve of your browsing non Muskets!-related sites, but we understand the human urge to experiment. Hell, we ourselves once smoked a marijuana cigarette after band practice. Well, almost.

So go, spread your wings, be free. But do yourself a favor, and check out some of these Muskets!-approved troupes. They're guaranteed to tickle even the stubbornest of fancies. And what's more, all of their members have been pre-screened by us as stand-up cats.

POYKPAC: A Brooklyn-based comedy pentagram so witty and raw, you'd swear Oscar Wilde was beating you with a broom handle.
Good Neighbor: Like true good neighbors, they will fill you with warmth and joy, and are usually willing to pick up your mail and watch your cats if you go out of town.
Tremendosaur: Two young men trying to make it big in Hollywood by filming funny Internet videos? I wonder where they got that idea. Probably from their stupid faces.

Sorry, that last one kind of got away from me. We fully endorse Tremendosaur, and Jacob and Justin actually seem like great guys. For idiots.