Those Aren't Muskets! are your port in a storm, your hot cup of tea on a cold winter's day, your daily dose of laughter-induced vomiting. Their dynamic new paradigm first synergized in 2007, when then-Heavyweight Champion of the World Abe "Ape" Epperson laid down his gloves in the ring, refusing to fight opponent Michael Swaim on the grounds that he "didn't want to hurt anyone anymore." The two embraced, the people of Mexico wept, and Those Aren't Muskets! was born. Since then, they've gotten their work featured on the front pages of Cracked, Funny or Die, Veoh, Revver, Youtube, Crackle, Break, Digg, Ebaum's World, College Humor, and, if you search for the term "Those Aren't Muskets," Google and Yahoo as well. Today, they continue to make funny from their mobile command unit in LA, while trying desperately to land jobs in the American Apparel factory.
Michael is head writer for Those Aren't Muskets, and performs in sketches regularly. He's a graduate of the UC San Diego department of theatre, a degree he is maliciously squandering by making stupid internet videos. He also contributes regularly to Cracked (the humor site, not the crack site) as a member of their group blog. He dreams of one day becoming a real boy.
Abe sleeps on the sets of Those Aren't Muskets!'s shoots, attracted by the warmth of the lights. A mysterious and magical animal, he is invisible to everyone except other members of the comedy group. Often, Abe is found on dark London streets howling and searching for his long, lost (also invisible) love. He also found the camera we use.
Matt, producer and sometimes actor, tries to bring a touch of class to Muskets with his bookish wit and vaguely British expressions. Often visible as a wispy shadow at the edge of the frame, he is truly a bard in a scarecrow's body. Matt collaborated with Michael and Abe in early theatrical performances of sketch and improv comedy at UCSD, where he introduced them to the Mangled Larry- a drink containing a liter of gin. Abe has never been the same. Matt is also a zombie.
Brian, also known as "The Talent" or simply "hey, meat!" is a sometimes featured and often shirtless actor for Those Aren't Muskets! A recent graduate of UC San Diego, Brian plans to put his theatre and comparative politics degrees to work in Los Angeles by appearing in Valtrex commercials. He fervently hopes that TAM! will catapult him to the heights of stardom enjoyed only by John Basedow and Michael Dorn. He never jokes about baseball.
Ryan is an actor, stagehand and marketing guru for TAM! He is an ambidextrous Irish-Mexican with a History degree from UCSD. If you enjoy Kibbles and Bits and/or John Steinbeck, feel free to thank Ryan, as his ancestors laid the foundation for both the dog food and characters of Cannery Row. Sadly, the evil and diabolical Brian Cricketts often attempts to smear Ryanís wholesome name. From 1997-2002, Ryan was a hair model at the Barbazon School of Modeling. His hair was considered the "Citizen Kane" of his generation.
Those Aren't Muskets has had crew assistance and included performances by: Dav Yendler, Heather Pauley, Neil Parker, Nathan Turner, Matt Barrs, Ryan Severance, James Bak, Geoff Lapid, Jon Mikulanis, Sam Hunter, Amy Funder, Kelly Lockwood-Larson, Katie Willert, Baily Hopkins, Giovanni Velasco, Dan Rubiano, Matt Black, Brentan Schellenbach, Brian O'Donovan, Spencer Howard, Dan Shapiro, Sarah Kapp, Ellen Swaim, Matt Yonker, Gregory Moody, Caitlin Kennedy, Margaret Gray, Brittany Candau, Samantha Griffith, David Chien, Andrea del Rio, Cheetah Platt, David Swaim, Jonathan Hicken, Megan Petersdorf, Gary Porter, James Barker, Matt Bovee, Lee Montgomery, Erin Bennett, Ian Dickinson, Dylan Seaton, Katy Stoll, Daniel Gordh, Danny Mastrangelo, Tim Stampher, Dan O'Brien and Nick Walker.

Michael Swaim was just a cub reporter for The Superficial, scouting celebrity travel routes and photoshopping herpes onto young starlets, when a naÔve attempt to photograph the Jolie-Pitt children led to his being crushed in an industrial press.

But within his broken body, the spark of life lingered. And the editorial board of an up-and-coming comedy website seized the opportunity. After bartering with The Superficial for Swaim's body (legend has it they paid eighteen dollars and some glass beads), the engineers got to work.

They knew they could fix him. Make him more sedentary. Shallower. More of a wiseacre. It cost them nearly four hundred dollars and most of a night's work, but by morning they had done it. S.W.A.I.M., the world's first android web talk show host, was a mad fantasy no more.

Some hosts are born. Some are made. See if you can decipher which is the case over at the S.W.A.I.M. video gallery. Shout the correct answer at the screen and money will come out of your printer!


In Hollywood, you make it by doing what's known as "networking." After a lot of trial and error, we've discovered what networking is NOT: It's not yelling that you're mad as hell and you're not going to take it any more, it's not offering indiscriminate blowjobs to people in suits, and it's certainly not premeditated murder (I'm not even sure what we were thinking on that one).

So now we're trying to network the only way we know how. Namely, by pointing you in the direction of some of our favorite sketch troupes in the hopes that when they strike it big they'll let us bang their spillover babes. Here's to you, gents!

Fatal Farm: These guys make our wildest dreams look like perfectly manageable post-production effects. Prepare to be amazed and awesomely bewildered by a series of epic sketch projects that function entirely within a universe of their own devising.
BriTANick: Sharp, fresh, young, and handsome as the dickens. What's not to love? Also, in case you were wondering, we think it rhymes with "Titanic." You know, that movie they clearly want to be associated with.
Scott Gairdner: One man. One mission. Some other people as well, although admittedly they get less credit. One awesome website chock full of great sketches and some hilarious side projects.

There, we're all good and networked. Do we get a movie deal now? Anyone?